a few last minute pointers for Barack Obama…

Here are some key last minute points that Barack should hammer home during the final hours of Election 2008.  In no particular order:

• Assure White America that Black folks are not going to enslave them.  Tell them upfront that we are not looking for revenge.
• Assure White America (and Black America) that Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev. Jeramiah Wright, and Louis Farrakhan will have no place in an Obama Administration.
• Remind all of his supporters that the fight doesn’t stop with the vote.
• Remind Black folks not to celebrate too hard if he becomes President.  Why?  Look, some White folks are gonna be very angry/scared/depressed in response to an Obama victory.  They might very well be lookin’ for some get-back.  Don’t provoke them with excessive celebration e.g. rockin Obama Tees and poppin’ Champagne bottles at the office – in a “Soul Train line” – while blasting “ain’t no stoppin’ us now”.  Do that shit at the crib or at Church.  And when you get back to the office on Thursday – on Thursday – act like nothing has happened.
• Urge people not to riot if he loses the election is stolen.
• More than a few Black people lost some tried and true White homies (Hillary supporters) over the jolting course of this social and cultural powder-keg of a campaign.  Barack should gently nudge Black folks to determine if any of these relationships are worthwhile and salvageable and if so to go about the work of rekindling these friendships.
• To assuage the concerns of some Black folks that continue to charge Barack with, “forgetting where he came from”, the Big “O” should acknowledge a few of the key Black people that helped him to arrive at this momentous occasion.  Especially his barber.  Barack’s fade, waves and line were consistently TIGHT throughout the entire campaign cycle.
• Let everyone know that if he wins the election, this does not mean that America has finally overcome the “race problem”. 
• In case the election is lost stolen, Barack should point out to his supporters that he/we came this far together.  And that we have come too far – accomplished too much to turn back now.  He should embolden his supporters to continue to march bravely forward and carry on with the great change-work that THEY started.

Humbly Submitted.

kd

My “Recession 08″ Survival Tips…

My name is not Hank Paulson nor am I an economist.  Nonetheless, I feel quite comfortable and confident (damn near cocky) in asserting that our economy is F’d up.  And the so called experts are still scrambling to figure things out.  I think.

Yeah, I know the DOW surged on Monday.  My reaction, “That’s cute”.  However, it doesn’t signal that we are out of the woods.  Quite the contrary.  It’s the credit crisis and the slowing global economy, not the DOW, that we should focus our fleeting attention on.  And the unsettling fact of the matter is that we have yet to suffer the real fall out of this incipient economic crisis.  In plain speak, it is going to get worse before it gets better.  Again, I’m no expert.  I’m no doom & gloomer.  But I can see the writing on the wall.  As far as I can detect, the tell-tell signs of a failing economy are ubiquitous.  Allow me to share a personal example that illustrates my point.  Over the last month, I’ve observed increasing numbers of  well-to-do White Hyde Parkers shun the over-priced Treasure Island Supermarket for the very cornerstoreesque Village Foods.  I don’t know about you, but when upper-middle class White folks start braving certi-saver products, the stench of decaying flesh (fresh meat section), lotto lines out the door, and wine-heads paying for a 5th with loose change, it’s time for a brotha to adjust accordingly.  That said, below is an abbreviated list of the belt-tightening measures that I’m taking to weather our Country’s financial downturn.

Hair Cuts:  I’m cut my own hair.  You can do the same.  Go to Wal-Mart and cop a Wahl or Oster Home Hair Care Kit.  I prefer Oster, the design of the blades seems better suited for Black hair.  The key to success w/ do-it-yourself hair cuts is to resist the urge to try anything fancy.   Trust me, I’ve seen many a hairline disappear – forever – because someone got a little too overconfident in their home hair care abilities.  Keep it simple.  This is more about function than style.  The point is to keep up a well groomed appearance.  If absolutely necessary, every now and then, you can visit your Barber/Stylist for a professional lining.  My barber (Ishat Hyde Park Hair Salon) doesn’t really charge me for this service, but I’ll usually hit him off with a budget-sensitive tip of $2-$3.

Costco:  This is pretty self-explanatory.  I buy in bulk.  And this may take away from my street cred, but I create and use a grocery list.  I strongly encourage you to do the same.  Freestyle impulse shopping ain’t the best look right now.  I’m a devotee of Costco.  From my experience Costco has the best bulk variety to choose from.  As an added come-up, If you go at the right time, you can make a substantial meal by grazing at the numerous food sampling stations set up in damn near every aisle of the store.

Food/Cooking:  Lately I’ve been stocking up on more starches than usual.  I’m trying my best to stick with the complex starches/carbs: whole grain breads and pastas; yams or yellow potatoes instead of white potatoes; brown rice instead of white.  I always have plenty of health/protein bars stashed away as well.  A note of caution, please resist the urge to stock up on processed or pre-packaged foods.  Too much sodium.  I don’t want Black folks to emerge from this special period with high(er) blood pressure and diabetes.  In terms of cooking, on Sunday afternoons or early evening while watching football,  I try to prepare a gigantic meal or two that’ll carry me through the week e.g. chili, lasagna, soups, stews, etc.  An additional benefit of soup/stew style meals is that they allow you to dump in a variety of nutrient rich ingredients from each of the key food groups, especially veggies.

Cable:  I downgraded to basic cable.  I can’t completely get rid of it yet.  I’m addicted to the Discovery Channel.  Straight up Edutainment like BDP.

At Work “The Surge”:  Businesses are going under left and right.  Downsizing is in the air.  Now is the time for your best work ever.  Pour that shit on.  Finish any outstanding projects.  Call in favors from clients/vendors.  Have them send in messages about how valuable you are to them.  Over communicate.  Master the art of memos.  And – I know this is gonna be hard for brothas – but get over your aversion to attention to detail.  Trust me. The corporate cleanersare coming and they are looking for anything – no matter how small/trivial – that can be used to justify your dismissal.  Also, try to aggressively position yourself for a key role on an uber-important company project.  Stay close to the office-stars.  Stay away from office-losers, the trouble makers.  And work on your personality.

Phones:  I don’t have a home phone.  Between the celly and gmail all my communication needs are covered.  With the cell phone, so as not exceed my service plan, I try not to talk w/ my peeps until after 9 pm or on the weekends.  9 times out of 10 we just shooting the shit anyway.  And as far as texting goes, I set up a one word texting limit.  I know that it may seem difficult to effectively communicate with just one word, but from my experience, if it’s a close friend or family member, you can damn near communicate with each other telepathically.  If one word texting or telepathy is too difficult for you, you can eliminate most communication barriers by creating a glossary of text terms and symbols to be shared with your squad via email.  Lastly, get rid of any unnecessary features.

Fitness:  My gym allowed me to downgrade my membership.  You might also be able to put your membership on hold.  The other option is to cancel.  If you do cancel: 15 push ups, 20 sit ups, 30 air squats, and 15 squat thrusts.  Do as many sets as you can in 20 minutes, 4-5 times per week.  For more home work out ideas check out www.crossfit.com.  Fellas, you probably won’t gain any muscle size with  this, but it will help to burn of all the extra carbs you’ll be consuming.  It will keep you lean.  For variety, pull out and dust off those old ass Tae-Bo DVD’s ya’ll been holding onto.  And chill with the treats!

Treat your S.O. Right:  Go overboard, not monetarily/materially, but emotionally.  Now is the time to cuddle, and cuddle some more.  This ain’t the time to be arguing over bullshit.  And players – now is definitely not the time to be trickin’ off.  We are in a recession.  Tis the season of monogamy.  Emotionally, mentally, and financially, it’s what makes the most sense at the moment.  So love the one – the “1″ - you’re with.  Ya’ll gonna need each other to get through this mess.

The “Get Up”:  This is a series of monthly house parties (remember those) that I’m organizing with my closest friends.  You gotta – “Get Up” – with yo’ peeps when times are hard.  You need them.  They need you.  You need each other.  Good people, good music, and good laughs will help to keep the blues at bay.  To pull it off, all you need is food (potluck), drink, a DJ or Itunes/IPOD, some descent speakers, and a crib – preferably one with a basement that can comfortably accommodate up to 25 people.

The bottom line is to be smart – be prepared.  And if things turn for the better sooner rather than later, you’ll have some money saved up.  If not, you’ll be well equipped to calmly navigate the treacherous  economic road ahead. 

Stay Well;

kd

McCain/Palin and the n-word: you know it’s comin’…

***SEE NEW UPDATE AT END OF THIS POST***

I called this a while back in an earlier post (here).  I can see it goin’ down sumthin’ like this:

[Setting:  2nd Presidential Debate.  1/2 way into the program.]

Tom Brokaw (Moderator):  “Senator McCain.  After the first debate there was much discussion about your outright refusal to make any eye contact at all with your opponent Senator Obama.  You received a lot of criticism from Democrats and some Republicans for that.  And yet tonight, you’ve not looked at your opponent once.  Do you think that is a smart tactic on your part considering…”

[Brokaw is abruptly cut off by a grumbling red-faced McCain]

McCain:  “Uhh yeah…I umm…I think…Hey!  Fuck you Tom!  I’m not looking at that N-!!!

[Gasps and then stunned silence.  McCain smiling, winks at the camera.  Barack stares, mean-muggin' McCain.  The silence is broken only when Michelle Obama launches from her front row seat toward the smiling/winking McCain.  Hang time. Her right arm extended. Shoe in hand...]

Don’t even trip.  It might not go down exactly like this but… Shit, Jesse called him a nigga!

Get at me…

k to the d to the izo

***UPDATE # 1:  Someone said the N-word.  I told you it was coming.  Granted, it didn’t come from the mouth of McCain or Palin, but they, and the nefarious RNC, with their fear-mongering “he’s not one of us” tactics,  are definitely responsible for creating the conditions that breed this type of hatred and stupidity.  See the Washington Post article (here).  This isn’t just negative.  This shit is Birth of A Nation scary.  Wow, just a taste of what life – black life would be like under a McCain/Palin regime.***

the vp debate: key(s) to a palin victory…

   

 

 

All she has to do is string together a couple of complete sentences.  A minimum of 3-4 over the course of the debate.  I’m not sure if it will help the ailing McCain/Palin ticket at this point, but at-least she could secure a moral victory for herself.   You go girl!!!

kdizo

Obama/McCain 1: My Observations

Issues:  Barack excelled on the economy, and expectations/vision for the future.  He held his own on foreign relations.  I’d have to say Barack won on the issues.

Suit:  I give the edge to Barack.  His suit was twice as shiny as McCain’s.

Sarcasm/Contemptuousness:  McCain gets the edge here – big time.

Skin Tone: Obama came out lookin all golden-bronze and shit.  McCain was his usual pasty white self.  Gotta give it to Obama.

Hair:  Again, Barack was strong in this category.  By the way his hair laid I could tell that he was rockin’ a doo-rag back stage.  Looked like he coulda used a fresh line, but other than that he looked good.  McCain’s hair was…  Barack wins.

Eye Blinks:  Both candidates blinked alot.  But there was somethin a little too twitchy and crack-headish about the way McCain blinked.  Obama blinked cooler/slower – like a pimp-wink-blink.  Slight edge to Barack here.

Pronunciation of Foreign Words/Names/Countries:  This is a key indicator of foreign policy experience, so I’m a bit surprised that McCain had such a hard time with Ahmadinejad and Perestroika.  Obama gets the nod here.

Rattled Off the Most Foreign Words/Names/Countries:  It’s a draw.  But again, considering McCain’s foreign policy experience, I was sure he’d blow away Obama here.  He didn’t.  So, a tie in this category is actually a win for Obama.  The “O” gets another one.

Voice:  McCain does something weird with his “S’s”.  The shit is annoying.  Barack wins on voice.

Lips:  McCain has no lips.  Barack’s lips look all extra-purple like he be smokin’ hella weed.  This is a toss up.

Capacity to Mis-Characterize: McSame McCain.

Capacity for Truth and Accuracy:  This one goes to Barack “The Truf(Truth)” Obama.

Eye Contact with the Opponent:  I don’t think Grandpa Simpson looked at Barack once during the entire debate.   That’s a tell-tell sign of weakness.  McCain lost his street-cred with that punk move.  Another one for Barack.

Those are my unbiased/objective professional observations.  You can decide for yourself who won Obama/McCain 1.

shabby wit: baby wipes altered my sex life…

 

 

Let me Romare Bearden (paint) the picture for you.

Me and my girl.  My crib.  Mid-day.  Feelin sexy.  Crunched for time.  In the mood. Impromptu love…

So we launch into a savage and frenzied game of touch and touch.  Hot and bothered.  We humid.  Fubus, Lugz, Joe Boxers, Forever 21’s are torn asunder and hurled about.  Moist flesh.  Pheromones.  The air is ablaze.  2 minutes and 20 seconds have elapsed.  Time for the jump off.  And then…  I push PAUSE.  Bring it all to a screeching halt.  Why?  Man, it just so happens that on this very day – at this particular moment in time - I have funky-nuts and/or a lil’ booty-juice.  Yep. I needed to hop my tart ass into the shower.  Don’t trip fellas.  You know it happens every now and then.  Even to the most fastidious of us.  And if you’ve ever been in this unfortunate situation, you know that this stop-in-action is an immediate mood kill.  It’s an error.  A fumble.  A tricked lay-up.    We’ll, I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t always have to go down like this…

My name is Kdizi-Kdizo.  You can call me dizo.  Baby wipes changed my sex life.  For the better.  In those ever so crucial categories of quickies/nooners,  baby wipes uped my stats.  They helped me to become more consistent.  Fewer tricked lay-ups.  I bet they can do the same for you.  Now I understand, that given the above scenario, some of you more uncivilized studs might try to maintain forward progress and push through.  Hey, I’m not here to judge.  I’m no expert.  Do what you gotta do to be you.  But man, let me tell you, it is hard to recover after you’ve left a bad taste in someones mouth.  So I humbly suggest that you play it safe.  Get some baby wipes.  And the next time you and yo shawty line up for a quickie, and you feelin a little tart.  Don’t fret.  Calmly run into the bathroom.  Go up under the sink.  Pull out 4-5 baby wipes and – wipe.  Get on the sides and up under the nuts-sack.  Don’t forget the taint and yo funky ass. After that, take the remaining clean wipe and dust off the shaft.  It’s that simple.  30-45 secs and you’re good to go.

Yours Truly;

Coach K(dizo).

Shabby Wit #2: Urinals…the long & short of it

 

Fellas!  You know how in public restrooms there is always one urinal that hangs lower than the others?  Ever wonder why that is?  Well, contrary to what you might think, its not for junior.  Nope.  Its actually for dudes with really long penises.  I’m sure most of you had no idea.

“up”

Kd

Setting and Managing Expectations: Ladies Just So You Know…

One of the few things that I learned as a senior level executive in corporate America is how to effectively set and manage expectations.  This knowledge-capitol has helped me achieve good success in my upward trending professional career.  Now I’m taking what I’ve learned from the corporate world and applying it to my personal life.  For example; Ladies, if you wanna kick with me, let’s say you decide we should go out to eat.  I want to be upfront – clear and concise about what you are in for – about what my expectations are.  Consider the scale below.  On the left is the amount of money that I spend on dinner.  On the right, you’ll find what I expect in return for my expenditure.  This scale is applicable to our first 3-5 dates/outings.

$20-$30 = hug and peck on the cheek

$30-$40= long embrace (45-60 sec.) and kiss with tongue

$40-$50= all of the above + I get to grip that ass (15-20 sec.)

Red Zone

$50-$60= bump & grind

$60-$70= fellatio

$70 and up= we fuckin’. right after dinner…

 

kd